Do I Want This? Or Do I Just Think I Should?

A friend asked me if I wanted another slice of pizza.

My first thought was a clear “Yes.”

But almost instantly, another voice in my head chimed in: “You’ve already had some. There are only two left. You shouldn’t have more than your share.”

In less than three seconds, the question changed from “Do I want this?” to “Am I allowed to want this?”

A decision about pizza may seem insignificant, but I noticed this same pattern showing up in much bigger parts of life.

Which job offer do I want to accept?

Do I want to be in this relationship?

Where do I want to live?

Instead of pausing to listen for my honest answer, my inner critic would jump in with commentary. Fear, guilt and stress then start to take over the decision making process. Within a few seconds, I’d lost touch with what I wanted and became focused on what felt acceptable.  

What do you really want?

I think this is one of the hardest questions to answer. Whenever I ask people this question, they typically respond by telling me something they don’t want.

I don’t want to worry about money. Or I don’t want to feel so exhausted.

But those answers don’t identify what they want to move towards. Reacting to get away from or avoid something is very different than intentionally moving towards a true desire.

My latest theory is that a small, unassuming phrase we use all the time, is actually the root cause of this dilemma.

“I should…”

We casually use “I should” and “I want” as if they mean the same thing. They don’t.

I’ll ask someone: “Do you want to go to this event later?”

They respond: “Yes, I should go.”

This is a clear instance of making a decision based on an obligation or pressure, not based on a true desire.

I’ve noticed in my own life that the more I ignored my true desires, the harder it became to recognize what they were. I even got to a point where I genuinely believed there was nothing I wanted. I’d say “I’m flexible. It doesn’t matter.” My default response became “I don’t know”.

And ultimately, making decisions from a lens of “I should,” made life feel like a heavy obligation. I had the feeling of being stuck in the passenger seat while life happened to me.

“I could…”

What if the goals you pursued were connected to your real desires, not just to what looked good or kept other people comfortable?

There is one easy shift that helped me move from from the passenger seat into the drivers seat and create a life that feels more aligned.

It’s a 2-step exercise. First I ask myself “Why should I do this?”. Second, I replace “should” with “could”.

Asking myself why allows me to identify where this pressure is coming from. “Is it associated with a core value of mine, or is it actually because someone else said I should”

“I should do this” carries pressure and self-judgment.

“I could do this” brings in choice and opens the door to curiosity. 

When I say “I could do this,” I remember that I do in fact have a choice. I can then get curious: “I could do this, but is it aligned with my true desires?” Or sometimes it opens up a completely different energy: “Yes! I could do this. I don’t know how yet, but I know I can!”

*I adopted the exercise of replacing “should” with “could” from the book “You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise Hay. It was a small part of the book but it really stuck with me.